Yesterday, I walked across a stage and graduated from Ohio Dominican University. It is a day that I know was inevitable, but still, hoped would never come. But, alas! It came without my consent. And I confronted this milestone in my life with the attitude of a stubborn child who just doesn't wanna do it.
I have cried more in the past week than I think I have in an entire year. It's strange that my college career began and ended with such intense sad emotions. When I first came to ODU, I made myself physically sick from sadness. I did not want to leave home. I especially did not want to leave my little sister who had nightmares about me going to college and forgetting about her or never coming back. I cried almost every day my first week. My whole first year was hard though, because I was so terribly homesick. I was so happy by Sophomore year though. After summer, I was eager to return to ODU. I had found a happy balance and enjoyed being at home, but also, looked forward to going back to school after breaks. By Senior year though, I found myself happy that I was an RA and was able to return from breaks early and stay in the dorms over breaks if I wanted to. I was absolutely thrilled when I was able to be a summer RA. I thought that it would make graduation more bearable if I had all this extra time at ODU. In some ways, it probably did. Honestly though, I think I just got even more deeply attached to the school.
I am sitting at home now and I feel so incomplete, like I left something very important behind. It took all of my strength not to just cry continuously all day. There were so many moments where I caught myself tearing up and had to suppress it, because I knew that once I started to let myself cry, I'd be sobbing all day and there would be no consoling me.
This graduation has been, by far, one of the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through. I have known for more than 4 years that this day was coming, but I still was not prepared for it all. I knew I would be sad, but I had no idea how sad. It just kept hitting me more and more until I woke up this morning and it all sunk it. This might be the last time I wake up in an ODU residence hall. This might be the last time I shower in an ODU shower. It felt so unreal. I wanted to deny it was happening. I went through my whole day just trying not to think about it, living in denial, but every time someone congratulated me or hugged or asked me how I was doing, all I could say was "I am so sad". Nearly everyone's response to that was a very empathetic "I know".
I love Ohio Dominican so very much. No one was very surprised that I spent my whole day trying not to cry. And no one was offended when I didn't want to hangout, because I needed to be alone to cry and being around people would only remind me further of what I'd be missing out on when I graduated. It is no surprise to anyone that I am more heartbroken about leaving ODU than I have ever been in my entire life. Ohio Dominican University has somehow become the place I think of when I hear the word "home". It is where I lived, worked, studied, prayed, loved, played, cried, laughed, sang, danced, ate, slept, and enjoyed for the past 4 and a half years. My life for the past few years kind of revolved around ODU. Living on campus, I had everything I ever needed: God, friends, food, a place to lay my head, love. There is nowhere else that gave me the sense of belonging that Ohio Dominican provided me with. There is nowhere I felt more at home than I do at ODU. But now, I have to leave home and go out into the real world where life isn't as easy and fun and love is not always going to be so readily available to me.
On one hand, I hate that I feel this way. Of course, I don't want to be sad. On the other hand, I love how much I love ODU. I love how emotionally attached I am to this place. Ohio Dominican has given my life so much meaning and purpose. I have grown in so many incredible ways since I started school there. And I would not trade that experience for the world.
So I need to accept this end as a beginning. As Bishop Campbell and Mr. Kurtin told us today, commencement, though treated like an end, is actually a beginning. I will admit that I do not like beginnings very much. I've never handled big life changes very well. But I was sick and sad when I began my time at ODU and, now, I am sick and sad that I have to leave. I need to see this new beginning as a good thing. Even though it's beginning with a sadness, the next four years of my life could very well turn out to be even better than my years at ODU were. While I doubt this now, I certainly can't deny the possibility. After all, I did not expect my last few years to be nearly as amazing as they were and, yet, God worked so well in these four years through the school making me fall in love with Him and ODU more than I ever imagined possible.
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